3rd grade was when I first felt there was something wrong with me. I remember riding in the car with my mother and her turning towards me. “I have to tell you something,” she said as if she didn’t know how I would respond. Trying to fight back tears she said, “your classmate’s father passed away last night.” I lowered my head, and gazed at my sneakers. I didn’t want her to see me crying. I didn’t want to make her feel sadder.
That night, I did not sleep. I felt tightness in my stomach, and my head hurt. I kept thinking about my classmate.
Night two, I did not sleep. The empty pit in my belly was still there. I tossed and turned trying to get comfy, but nothing worked. I wasn’t just worried about my classmate. I kept thinking about how he must be feeling — the pain, the shock, and the confusion to have a father that was there playing basketball with you, helping you with homework, and yet completely wiped out of your life the next.
I bet he couldn’t sleep as well.
This insomnia continued for over a week. I was only in 3rd grade.
Empath, deep, highly sensitive are terms that I’ve come to learn describe why I processed the incident the way I did. I didn’t make the connection until my mother mentioned having similar feelings as a child— being able to deeply feel other’s emotions and that often being hard to explain until she became an adult.
I hate to put labels such as empath or highly sensitive on myself. I’m a woman. I love hard. I feel everything. I’m way too complex to be put in a box. Nonetheless, I feel like descriptions like empath and highly sensitive have helped me to better understand myself.
An empath is a person who experiences a great deal of empathy. They are highly sensitive to the emotions of people to the point where they can take on those emotions as their own. Similarly, highly sensitive people experience noises, feelings, and stimuli much more intensely than the average person.
If you have ever been called too sensitive or weird even, I’m pouring out these words to you:
God why am I like this?
Throughout my life, I’ve been deeply affected by other people’s drama, scary movies, the change in the tone of voices, and even itchy clothing. I feel everything on an intense level. At times it feels like my sensitivity is too much, and I’m annoyed by how I am. It stresses me that I can literally pick up on a vibe, and be off for the rest of the day. The smallest things can stir me internally for hours.
Then there are times that I know I am a divine gift to the world, and I appreciate my sensitive nature.
Life has taught me that high feelers are also high discerners.
There have been many times that I’ve stepped into a room that felt off, or someone told me they were “fine” but I knew they were in a dark place. I don’t know how I knew. I just knew. The same sensitivity that makes me turn off a horrific news story or toss back and forth at night because someone said something harsh to me is the same sensitivity that leads me to pray simply because something doesn’t feel right.
Connection Between Sensitivity & Creativity
With sensitivity also comes the gift of creativity. The ability to express feelings through words, art and dance is something the average person would pay millions for. Creative geniuses are often sensitive, and sensitive people are often creative geniuses. To them…
“…a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death.” –Pearl S. Buck
The beauty that comes when your sensitivity is directed toward creative work and something positive can be mind blowing.
Your Calling Is Worth Protecting
What I am about to say should come as no surprise to you. Broken people are often attracted to you. I am no exception. Narcissistic individuals, broken people and hurting souls seem to be drawn to me like a mosquito to skin.
For a while I thought it was simply me attracting toxic people. With time and wisdom, I’ve learned it isn’t attraction, but a lack of boundaries. The average person will cut off a toxic person without second thought. Someone who is more empathic will see the childhood trauma behind the mask. We can literally see the person cutting themselves at night, and feel sorry for them. We see the tears and the loneliness behind the toxic behavior, and know the person needs our compassion and empathy.
It’s not you just attracting… It’s you allowing.
I’ve learned to build, preserve and communicate my boundaries to protect myself from abuse. There is no way I can be less sensitive, but I’ve learned to manage my sensitives and my interactions with others so that it does not paralyze me.
Protect your calling—protect your gift. You can be compassionate, loving, caring, empathetic, and still say no.
You can be highly sensitive and still have emotional intelligence. You can be an empath, and still be able to keep your cool in a business meeting. You can be understanding, and still break a toxic bond.
Get that in your spirit. Right it down. Practice it. Start small with the people in your life. Then let it trickle into your career life. When you do cross paths with someone who can literally destroy you, putting your foot down will be simple.
This also means being able to pull away. If a song triggers you, yell at Alexa to skip it immediately. If you are at an event and can’t take another second of being there, politely slip away. If you need to recharge instead of spending time with a friend, retreat. Don’t feel guilty. Evaluate your life often, and make adjustments without guilt. You know that sometimes it can all be too much, so learn to say no.
A Word On Depression, Overwhelm, Insomnia… & Giving Up
Dark days of winter,
Feeling hopeless,
Not wanting to press forward…
…can coil around and around squeezing you tighter and tighter until you can no longer see the gifts of..
Creativity,
Discernment,
Empathy,
Your very being.
If the average person feels hurt on a 5, you will feel it on 10. Someone might brush off a rude remark. That same remark can keep you up all night.
I’ve had to learn to fight back by doing the following –
Studying Myself –
What are my triggers? Who can’t I have around me for long?
The important thing about spotting your triggers is that it can alert you. When you are alerted, you become more aware. When you become more aware, you begin to take responsibility for the way you deal with your emotions, as opposed to letting them control you.
Putting In Place A Contingency Plan
What’s your contingency plan?
A contingency or crisis plan is a backup plan that businesses have in place when a disaster or unforeseen situation puts the business at risk. If you are highly sensitive, you need one. What happens in the event that your emotions are too much? How will you handle painful days? How will you deal with wanting to give up because your feelings are too strong for you to to even get out of the bed?
When I am feeling low, here are things I must do before sleeping the day away and making a stupid decision.
I must…
- Turn on gospel music, start praising, singing, dancing, and worshiping.
- Reflect on 5 “I know it wasn’t nothing but God moments.”
- Send an encouraging text to a friend or post something inspirational. (Helping others deal with life helps me to see the bigger picture.)
- Try a new recipe or get out of the house.
- Spend time in nature.
Having this information written down before time is important. I promise you, you will experience more and more moments of triumphing over insomnia, depression and overwhelm.
Final Thoughts
Dear Deep Girl,
You are not too much! You are a work of art, fearfully and wonderfully made. Please, be yourself. Be every bit of yourself to the point that others want to join you. You have discovered that your sensitivity is a gift. Now, work hard perfecting your gift for good. With you, there are layers of depth and contradiction. Have the courage to be weird. Love hard… Then write your story.
Let’s Chat More…
Join me and the women of Introverted Girlfriends for a curated conversation & live session for introverted intuitives, HSPs (highly sensitive people) and empaths. The live session, Soft Girls Activate, will take place on Thursday, October 27 at 7:00 PM EDT.
