The passing of my mother was the worst experience of my life. I thought I knew pain until the day she left. I felt there was no one else on this earth to live for, and I hated God (at least at that moment) for allowing me to experience this level of grief and loneliness at such an early age.
In my mind, it wasn’t the way a majestic, all-powerful God should do things. It wasn’t fair that I, who had given him my all, be brought down to such a low place. I said, “God, why not allow this to happen to a more deserving person?”
“Or, her. Why her? She served and loved You faithfully. She served and loved Your people faithfully. Is this the level of payback I can expect for a life of serving you? Or, my family. Why my family? Why should my family be altered so drastically? What did we do to you? What did I do to you?” (See when you are in the pew, a church member, having those thoughts are normal. But, when you are the pastor’s daughter in the forefront it’s “improper.”)
And the least of my concerns (which can’t be overlooked in my recollection), the eyes of the hypocritical Christian that associates crisis for something you must be doing. If this happened to them…surely they must be… Like, previously noted, “the least of my concerns.”
And so I let Him have it. I let Him have it through my words and thoughts. I let Him have it through my actions and inactions. I let him have it by refusing my worship. Too afraid to turn back to my unsaved life, I spiritually sat there and pouted.
What brought me back? Was it the prayers and encouragement from others? I’m sure that played an important part of it. But it was my perception of God that fashioned my fate. Because, I built a relationship with Him before the crisis, I was able to remain.
I never saw God as this old man, sitting on a throne with a long white beard, throwing out lightning bolts as punishment for sin. To me, he was father and friend.
So in my moments of “letting him have it,” I understood this undeniable fact, He could take it. He was not going to be mad at me and respond by saying, “How could you think that of me?” He was more than capable of handling anything that I could dish out, because He is loving.
I knew He appreciated my realness, because He knew my heart. I knew He loved me despite of it all, and deep down I loved Him too. Now, I fully understand the scripture that says, “I am convinced that neither death nor life… will be able to separate [me] from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus. Nothing could separate God from loving me. Nothing.
His love brought me back. Let’s kill our preconceptions of God, and discover Him for who He is. Our preconception of God is what keeps that woman bound in that abusive relationship. To her, that relationship is “realer” than a lightning bolt God. It’s what keeps us from receiving healing. Trust me, in the midst of pain; it is only “the true reality of God” that will bring us through.
Am I there now? Absolutely not. I still cry. It’s still hard. I still ask questions. Most are still unanswered. I still hurt. I still get angry. But His immeasurable love is what is taking me through the difficult place. And nothing can separate me from that love, not even “me.”